Monday, November 2, 2015
Waiting is an emotional journey....a journey wrought with so many thoughts, feelings, & emotions;
Sometimes I find myself saying to God....."You called us to adopt! You called us to adopt a child with special needs.....YOU called us to adopt "Xavier" - so WHY all the waiting? What's your plan? We know (deep down) that You have a plan....a purpose....a reason....but this "un-kown" is so challenging for my heart! Do you mind if we speed it up a bit?"
I feel anxious anticipating news.....an update....anything. Will Macedonia approve us and send our referral? Will they decline our application? Will they request more documents? What about our home study....it hasn't even been sent into immigration for the update - and therefore, we don't have the new finger prints. Will we get the call before all our paper work is updated and in order? Will he have to wait because of another red tape, paper work delay?
I feel frustrated because there is NOTHING I can do about it. Nothing I can do to speed things along....its completely, 100% out of our hands.
I feel discouraged because we have been pursing adoption since May 2012, and Xavier specifically since December 2013 - 2 years! 2 years is such a long time for a little boy to go without the love of a family.
I feel guilt for being jealous of birth announcements or gotcha adoption celebrations. I have already been immensely blessed with 3 wonderful children and I have friends who struggle with infertility. . . am I wrong to want more? To feel like my heart is still missing a piece? To feel like our family is not yet complete?
I feel guilty for my excitement and anticipation of Christmas....I so look forward to the many wonderful holiday traditions....the cheerfulness, the decorations, the parties...the time with family and friends. A time of giving and sharing. But what will "Xavier" have? Or WHO? Will he feel the warmth of loving arms? Will he feel the love of a gentle kiss? How can I feel so much excitement when he may have nothing to anticipate at all?
I feel apprehension when I think of all the "what ifs" - What if Macedonia denies our application? What if we get a different referral? What if the adoption fails and we have been gifted so much through gifts and grants.....how can we repay many thousands of dollars? Apprehensive because I am afraid that others might see our journey and chose not to adopt.... (although we are attempting to pilot a new program and this adoption is not necessarily a representation of other international adoptions).
I feel disappointed because I truly believed Xavier would be home by now....that the anxiety of the trip would be behind us and we'd be home together as a family.
But, its not all bad.....in the time we've waited, we've been blessed with more donations....another grant.....egg money....so, the financial burden does not seem as great. This is certainly a silver lining.... (Tax Deductible Adoption Donation Link )
But perhaps the greatest blessing in waiting is hearing my sweet children talk about their baby brother "Xavier" - their precious, loving, generous hearts seem almost as consumed with Xavier as my own. He is never forgotten in a prayer....he is always present in our conversations of the future....Zac saves little "treasures" for Xavier and has a collection of ity-bity choking hazards waiting in his crib...along with stuffed animals....and blankies......and even a few paper airplanes! Essie will say "go put this in Xavier's crib" - they've already unconditionally welcomed him into their hearts!
On the way home from karate tonight, Zac says "Maybe they'll call us to get our baby on Christmas day!" - His precious, selfless heart thinks of an orphan before his own happiness and joys that accompany the festivities of Christmas (which we take very seriously at our house!) Last week when I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he said shoes and a maze book....even though he'd really like a transformer, he knows those are expensive and wants us to save our money to get "Xavier". I have never known a child so young (only 6 years old) to have such a giving and sacrificial spirit.
The loving, caring, generous, selfless hearts I see in my children is such a blessing and encouragement to my soul. Its not easy raising children, but seeing these special qualities in my children makes me feel so proud and honored to be their Mommy....I can't help but think we must be doing something right.
So, in the mean time. We are plugging away at life. Taking advantage of our opportunity to educate the kids at home, devoting ourselves to the youth ministry at our church, continuing with karate classes, piano lessons, therapy, appointments, parties, holidays....life goes on. We aren't wishing our time away....we are thankful for the many blessings we have. But while we live.....we wait.
Waiting for the moment we hear the news: "Come and get him!"
Thanks for hanging in there with us.....we know the journey has been long....thanks for your continued encouragement!!! We need it now more than ever! We won't give up on Xavier.....we will pursue him as our son until we bring him home or the doors close.